7 Socially Awkward Things that Happen When You Wear Glasses
1. The Accidental Ghost
See, while the rest of the vision-abled world might think a face is a face is a face, this is not the case for those of us cross-eyed and bottle-glassed. I can't even guess at the number of times I've been greeted non-verbally by someone while not wearing my glasses for whatever reason and instead of a familiar smile or awkward hookup, saw nothing but bulbous bursts of color and walked unknowingly forward.
2. Phantom Frame Syndrome
A creeping subconscious tick happens when those accustomed to sporting specs every day opt for contacts or go without. Where once our glasses used to slide subtly down the ridges of our nose, there is now nothing but the compulsive need to check and make sure nothing is skiing down your face. I developed an oh-so-cute nose scrunch at an early age wherein I eliminated the middle man altogether and just habitually pinched my upper face into knots in order to reorient my frames. This continues in the absence of glasses. And makes far less sense to witnesses. Thus, I bask in my everlasting facial grace.
3. "Oh-My-God-She's-So-Blind,-But-Really-How-Blind-Are-You?-I'm-Trying-on-Your-Glasses" *Takes Your Glasses*
Everyone has born witness to this if not participated fully within its miniature evil (hey, myself included). Much like when I was on crutches and everyone's hearts wrenched to nab them away from me and pull a theatrical Tiny Tim on the devices I found quite necessary to, ya know... keep standing, this innocuous recurring social charade is just one of many ways we invite ourselves shamelessly into someone else's differed abilities. While I have never been pregnant (YA HEAR THAT MOM?), I imagine the experience of having strangers hopscotch directly from "hey hi how are ya?" to "I'm gonna touch your stomach with my fingers" would be comparatively weird and abstract in its accepted social normality. Though I've worn glasses since I was 4, try as I may, I will never quite know the easy breezy beautiful covergirl response to someone snatching them from my face then gleefully announcing my level of visual impairment like they've just discovered the New World.
4. Fog Face in Da Club
Nothing says I came here to p-a-r-t-y quite like steaming ovals impeding most of my face and making my drunk strut all the drunker. In the dead of winter, or in really any drastic temperature divide between the outdoors and inside, glasses can't hang. They can't. They fog up like your windshield and stay that way, like your windshield, until they decide they want to chill out. For those with less vital lenses, I presume you just take them off as you adjust to the temperature shift? But for those of us OG four-eyes out there, this is just another way we're perpetually bringin' sexy back.
5. Dudes with Librarian Fetishes
Listen. I won't go too far into it, other than to say this is a thing. This is a major thing. If not librarians, then secretaries or Velma from Scooby Doo. Is there a space somewhere out there somewhere in between generally-repellent-bug-eyed nerd and the street-side hollering creep's lifelong fantasy? I'd like to find it. If I needed a reason to be unknowingly and unwillingly turned into a referential sexualized symbol for someone's tube sock daydreams, I'd be female... oh wait...
6. Bubbles as your go-to dopplegänger
7. Constantly Befriending Babies on the Subway
This one isn't so much awkward as it is the eventual way I will possibly (probably) take over the world. See a crying baby on the train? All ya gotta do is whip those bad boys from your nose and extend them far enough away from your face that they magnify the fuck out of your eyes (for those of my far-sighted fam out there). Do this a couple times and suddenly you've transformed from a boring grown-up into a magical cartoon who can calm and entertain the children of the masses and finally feel understood in this crazy life we lead.