How To Make People Think You Have Your Shit Together

It's not a lot of work, but it's everything you don't want to do.

This may come as a shock to you, but most people do NOT have their life together. Sometimes you lose your keys. Sometimes you forget to put on deodorant in the morning. Sometimes you accidentally sext a family member. Look, it’s tough to keep up with the fast-paced and changing world of young adulthood while still keeping a clear head. And that’s ok for now. Millenials get a lot of heat for infractions such as these, but in my opinion, not having your shit together is ageless—responsibilities may change as time goes on, but the symptoms of chaos are pretty much the same. 

Anxiety. Guilt. Lack of motivation. Fatigue. Fear of failure. Awkwardness. Ever felt any one of these things before? No? Then please “X” out of this article right now because you are a robot and the Internet looks for bugs like you. Now that I know you are human, please take a handful of my unsolicited and biased advice on how to make it seem like you have your shit together:

  • Pack a lunch every once in a while. It doesn’t have to be fancy. It can be a bologna sandwich for all I care, just tell your office mates it's organic cured ham from that farm upstate, sweetly layered between two slices of that 57 grain bread from Whole Foods. 
  • Clean up after yourself. Don’t be a bad roommate. Similarly, keep your office space as tidy as you can keep it. Decontaminate. Use Clorox wipes until the chemicals melt away your fingerprints.
  • Try to paint your nails often. For those of us who can't squeeze manicures into our budgets every week, you should do it yourself. I paint mine every other day. Not because I have a scrupulous talent for detail, but because it is the only thing between me and my socially debilitating habit of biting my nails like a rabid woodpecker. It's almost like I try to Gollum in public if the bitter taste of nail polish is absent.
  • Get your seasonal flu shot. Enjoy your good health. Wear that nipple shaped band-aid like the trophy it is.
  • Make your bed in the mornings. You don’t need square corners and an origami animal towel, just kindly pull your sheets over your pillows and try not to make it look like the American Horror Story Hotel bed after a ghoul claws out of it.

  • Pick out your signature scent. Make it a nice one. Treat yourself. Absolutely no one will notice you do this. 
  • Buy a f****** iron. Stop using your straightener to de-wrinkle your clothes. You are an abomination. 
  • Get a subscription to your favorite newspaper. It really is important to keep in touch with the world around you. Be a fountain of knowledge for your peers. Know who you want to vote for. Be that asshole who says ISIL instead of ISIS.
  • Get a boyfriend/girlfriend. Or just don’t.
  • Read a book every once in a while. Fiction? Non-fiction? Adult coloring books? Who cares! Leave your most impressive books by your nightstand and “Wow!” your friends and fans. Write scribbled notes in the margins at conveniently bookmarked pages for bonus points.
  • Exercise regularly. Your commute to work totally counts if it’s a 5k and you sprint the whole thing.
  • Do your laundry often. I know you don’t want to. I know you really don’t want to. But maybe you should just scroll through this article to scare you into regular hygienic practices.
  • Drink in moderation. Don’t be the drunk person at a work function. Just one glass of red wine does wonders for the heart! No need to over do it!

Well, you tried.

Feature photo by Umberto Corsico.