Messages I'm Sick of Getting on Dating Sites

I had a brief stint with dating sites. It was an interesting time that resulted in two decent boyfriends; so, I’m not here to disparage the experience or bash on dating sites. Many of my good friends have met their significant others on dating sites, and I’ll probably be back online again someday. Not today. But I do think joining a dating site is a genuinely good idea in this modern world.

Dating sites have improved my dating experience in the following ways:

  1. They remove ambiguity. I know when I’m on a date if I met the person on a dating site. No more of this vague “hang out” or “group thing” bullshit that my college years were filled with.
  2. I don’t have to go to bars to meet people.
  3. Friends don’t try to set me up as much. Set-ups with friends of friends have exclusively been disastrous in my experience.
  4. It gets me outside of my typical circle of friends.

All good things!

But as with all aspects of dating, dating sites have a dark side. I believe we as a society can make dating sites the answer to unsolicited singledom. You guys: it could be great. It could be beautiful. But right now, it’s mostly dark and full of terrors. While many of the messages I received were splendored and fascinating, many of them were also threatening—most of them sexist AF.

 Illustration by Megan Guild

Illustration by Megan Guild

Here you’ll find a list of messages I have actually received (usually more than once) with my edits, and a corresponding list of responses I wish I’d sent.

Messages received (Editor’s notes included):

  • hot (This is not interesting and does not propel the interaction forward)
  • Ur (you’re) pretty but in ur (your) prof pic (Are you twelve?) you kinda
    have crazy eyes
  • I’m haunted by the look in your eyes (This is just creepy.)
  • hey (One word pick up lines are less effective than you think)
  • hi (Dot with a heart whenever possible)
  • sup (Short for suppose? Supposition? Is this a question?)
  • waddup? (No notes – this is perect)
  • DTF? (That's the best you can do?)
  • You like game of thrones? (Capitalize and italicize titles of books) Have you actually read the books? (Again opening with condescension is a foolhardy strategy)
  • You (you’re) into cool stuff. Most girls don’t like nerd shit. You seem really cool. (Complimenting someone by insulting their gender is not the most effective strategy)
  • You’ve read alot (A lot is two words) of books
  • Seen any movies lately? (This is redundant, as there is a list of my favorite movies on my profile, and now it seems like you haven’t read it)
  • You don’t seem like most girls (Complisult?)
  • Where (do) you live? (Stalkery)
  • Why didn’t you respond to my last message? You think you’re better than me? Girls on here think they’re hot shit and don’t respond to nice guys. (If you didn’t get response the first time..........)
 Illustration by Megan Guild

Illustration by Megan Guild

Responses I wish I’d sent:

  • How often do women actually respond to this message?
  • The crazy eyes are to confuse predators.
  • I’m haunted by the idiocy of this message.
  • Hey is for horses.
  • Hello.
  • Sup? Seriously? You join a dating site looking for love and companionship and all you can muster for your first impression is "sup?" You don’t deserve love!
  • Waddup, indeed? What is up? Is up relative? In Australia they have maps that situate Australia as the physical topmost continent. They really make you think about how we conceptualize up and down, right and wrong, black and white.
  • Don’t Tamper with Fish? Don’t Tap Feet? Dream of The Force? What does your hieroglyphic mean? Will the world ever know?
  • No, I’m just a feeble-minded female. I don’t know how to read books that aren’t written by Nicholas Sparks.
  • Complimenting someone by insulting their gender is not an effective strategy. Plenty of women like nerd shit, and clearly so do plenty of douchebags.
  • Books are my only friends. Well, books and the ghost that lives in my closet.
  • Tonight? I’m seeing people I actually know and not meeting a person from the internet who I’ve never communicated with before.
  • What are movies?
  • If most girls respond to that weird insult, then no I guess I’m not like most girls. I’m so honored you noticed.
  • I live in the now.
  • I still wouldn’t respond to that message. And I stand by my choice to block anyone who honestly thinks this is an appropriate way to treat another person.
 Illustration by Megan Guild

Illustration by Megan Guild

If I ever return to the nightmare hellscape/viable option that is online dating sites, I vow to send these responses instead of ignoring weird shitty messages. Because, really, responding and finding a potential catfish victim has to be more fun than contemplating the idiocy of society.

Happy hunting, online dating site users. May your messages be free of threats and your dates look hotter than they do in their pictures.

Feature illustration by Megan Guild