New Years Resolutions You Can Actually Keep

The champagne haze of New Year’s Eve is almost upon us and lurking in the empty moments of holiday festivities is a familiar anxiety. For me, this combines the guilt of last year’s unfulfilled New Year’s resolutions with the panic of having to make new ones.

Maybe 2016 will be the year I venture into that musky crawlspace of the gym and lift weights with the beefheads. Maybe I’ll stop drinking alone, or only eating pasta. Maybe...

  Full House/ ABC/ VIA trendygifs.com

Full House/ ABC/ VIA trendygifs.com

Making these my New Year’s resolutions is just a passive-aggressive way of validating the things I don’t like about myself. So instead of making my annual list of unachievable resolutions, I’ve written some simple ways to make 2016 great. It’s a New Year’s pep talk—to myself.

Dear Me,

Instead of cutting carbs, add more veggies. Enrich your life instead of restricting it.

Call your Grandma once a month.

Go for more walks on the path behind your apartment—look past the litter and graffiti and enjoy the fresh air.

Try graffiti this year! (Maybe.)

Eat at new restaurants. Try that hole-in-the-wall brunch place and get the weirdest thing on the menu.

Watch more foreign films. Learn to tolerate subtitles, like an adult.

Rediscover library books. Bring home a stack of books and read all of them at the same time, in rotation. Like when you were a kid.

Get a plant and actually keep it alive.

Let go of stupid grudges. So that bartender made a sexist comment once—that was two years ago. You don’t have to flick off the bar every time you pass it.

Stop stalking Kylie Jenner on Instagram. When you compare yourself to others on social media, you’re going to fall short—because it’s not real. Focus on the authentic, breathing people in your life. #Nofilter.

Eat more sushi, because it’s heaven.

Learn how to salsa dance and don’t be embarrassed about it.

Learn about the presidential candidates so that you can have an articulate conversation about politics with adults.

Whenever you feel insecure, watch that scene from Silver Linings Playbook where Jennifer Lawrence flicks off Bradley Cooper through the restaurant window. Then pull yourself together.

  Silver Linings Playbook, 2012/ David O. Russell, Jennifer Lawrence/ VIA Tumblr

Silver Linings Playbook, 2012/ David O. Russell, Jennifer Lawrence/ VIA Tumblr

Whenever you feel like retreating to your bed with a bottle wine and the complete collection of Patrick Swayze movies, do it. Indulge yourself—let yourself feel lonely and know that it’s temporary.

Whenever you feel like quitting school, pawning your possessions, and hiking the Appalachian trail, remind yourself that you are worthy of success. You can compete with the best; even if you lose the game, your name is on the scoreboard.

Wear more of that red lipstick that makes you feel like a badass bitch. Wear it every day.

And whatever you do, for the love of God, don’t sleep with that guy again. You know who I’m talking about.

Best of luck and Happy New Year,

-Me