The Best/ Only Sex Advice I Will Ever Give
1. You owe no explanation when you don't want to.
Even when you're already horizontal.
There is no speak-now-or-forever-hold-your-peace moment when it comes to physical connection and action. Just because you are in a position traditionally attributed to sex does not thereby force you to have sex. That'd be like if anytime you were on the sidewalk some angry whistle-blowing coach screamed “JOHNSON WHY AREN'T YOU RUNNING AT FULL SPRINT?! GET YOUR ASS IN GEAR” and you began to believe that cement underfoot obviously equates the desire to run. (Bitch waaaat, I'll run when I wanna run. Sometimes I'll even skip. Or jog. Or moonwalk. Or sometimes, when the air is still and my feet are still I will stand right where I started and just soak in the way it feels to let nothing move me but me. Good luck decoding THAT symbolism, world.)
2. You owe no explanation when you don't want to.
Even when you're already doing other thanggs.
*See long-winded exercise metaphors above. You don't sign an unbreakable contract the moment you kiss someone that promises sexual entirety. Just like you don't get engaged to be married just by going on a first date. Or a fifth. Or a 547th. If you don't feel it, you don't feel it. Not everything has to be explosive or even make sense.
3. You owe no explanation when you don't want to.
Even when he/ she asks for one.
This, while seemingly harmless the first few times it's encountered, is the sneakiest of all weapons against the psyche. A number of damaging trajectories can spring from a simple “why not?” in bed:
a) you could start to feel guilty, because, after all, isn't it confusing? Haven't I lead him on? Maybe she thinks I don't like her? Take a step back. And reexamine. What's confusing is his/her need to turn emotion into logic and to turn personal choice into debatable jargon. Your partner should really be the one asking themselves “maybe she thinks I don't respect her” if they don't just accept your lack of desire point blank.
b) you could start to feel wrong, because, hey what's the difference between what we're doing now and what we could be doing, and hey isn't it only MY brain that separates the two and hey, maybe I'm more messed up in the head than I thought, propagating DOA Disney romance dreams while wearing the hat of porn-star. You are allowed to be a romantic no matter what you do in someone's bed, and you are allowed to be uncomfortable no matter how much clothing you are wearing and no matter what you want (as long as it doesn't hurt anyone) you are completely, and utterly justified.
c) by giving any answer at all, your lover could continue thinking this is okay to ask and thus marches on the endless cycle of guilt and repression. And maybe I'm wrong, but I had heard at some point from someone that sex was supposed to be... um...fun?
4. You owe no explanation when you want to.
Plain and f*cking simple.
Again, as long as you are not hurting or pressuring anyone and as long as they are on board, you are not a whore. You are not a lesser romantic. You are not some broken, mangled thing for enjoying yourself. You are not the number of people who came before or will come after. You are not anything at all here except a human being acting upon human impulses. So stand still for a moment on the cement, breathe honestly, and let whatever follows be entirely up to you.
FEATURE PHOTO BY ANTON PETUKHOV/VIA TUMBLOR