Presidential Candidate Cheat Sheet

If you have been feeling overwhelmed about the 2016 presidential race, you are not alone. While the Democrat ticket has only a handful of candidates thus far, the GOP is currently a battle royal of conservative politics that has been dominating the media left and right. The recent three hour long GOP debate proved this.

So who are all these people, and what do they stand for? Rejoice, because we made a quick cheat-sheet on the top-polling candidates to get you started.

John Ellis “Jeb(!)” Bush

 Photo by Gage Skidmore

Photo by Gage Skidmore

Former governor of Florida (1999-2007), sibling of George W. Bush, married to a Mexican-American woman, and subsequently fluent in Español

A self identified “head-banging conservative”

Pro-Life, with exceptions; supports the defunding of Planned Parenthood

Supported the USA Patriot Act and the continued collection of phone call meta data, increased Internet security through government surveillance, AKA not a fan of Edward Snowden

Voted the Confederate Flag off the island

Has insisted and maintained that bi-partisan relations are the cornerstone of democracy. Translation: wants to be bros with people outside the GOP

Believes in climate change, but does not attribute it human activity

New (yet still restrictive) supporter of LGBT rights, including lifting the military ban on allowing transgender people to openly serve

Believes Obamacare and the Iran deal needs to GTFO

Supports enforcing immigration laws, but wants to increase the number of people allowed to immigrate based on skill set rather than family relations; generally sympathetic to immigrants

Supports statehood for Puerto Rico

Admitted that he has smoked marijuana…puff, puff, Jeb(!)

Donald “The Apprentice” Trump

 Photo by Gage Skidmore

Photo by Gage Skidmore

Real estate magnate and entrepreneur, believes that he can “Make America Great Again,” current Republican front-runner, and best reference if you’re researching hair spray quality

Pro-life 4 lyfe

Wants to get rid of corporation tax, inheritance tax, lower the capital gains tax, and wants to apply 15% tax on outsourcing to foreign countries (looking at you, Ford) and a 20% import tariff. Oh, he also wants to put H&R Block out of business

Supports campaign finance reform, and has pointed fingers at people being “bought” by investors. Not a problem for him--he is largely funding himself

In his Burn Book, Trump scribbled “total hoax” under the name Global Warming. Ooh, burn!

Believes that childhood vaccinations are related to autism

Wants to catch all of the illegal immigrants in a butterfly net and release them back to where they came from

Pledged to reverse the renaming of Mount McKinley to Denali, because it’s very, very, very ridiculously important to him

Carly “Promoted to Varsity” Fiorina

 Photo by Red Alert Politics

Photo by Red Alert Politics

Former business executive at Hewlett-Packard (HP), rising poll-star for the GOP, and the only female candidate running as a Republican

Decidedly Pro-life, and described a “kicking fetus” in the Planned Parenthood video tapes (later debunked. Google: “GOP Debate Fact Check” for a wild ride”)

Wants to decriminalize drug addiction and drug use, but opposes the legalization of marijuana. I know what you’re thinking…huh? (Albeit, she respects and believes that legalization is the state’s decision and would not support a reversal of law)

Not a fan of the Iran deal

A critic of Obamacare, and insists that the number of uninsured Americans is not coming down fast enough

Wants to improve border control, but believes that children brought to the USA under the age of 16 should be secured a path to citizenship if they go to college of join the armed forces

Does not believe that the Supreme Court has the right to redefine marriage, and that it should solely be a state decision

Maternity leave should be decided by the employer, not the government—AKA she binge watches Netflix like the rest of us

Hillary “I Wear The Pants” Clinton

 Photo via Page Six

Photo via Page Six

Former First Lady, New York State Senator, Secretary of State, and current front-runner for the Democratic nomination

Pro-choice and pro-stem cell research

Supports allowing illegal immigrants to have a path to citizenship, but has flip-flopped in the past

Supports the Iran deal

Originally voted for the Patriot Act in 2001, and while she insists on defending privacy of Americans, she has not acted against domestic surveillance. She also joined the anti-Snowden Fan Club.

Decides that she likes polar bears and accepts the scientific consensus on climate change, and has made many political moves to combat global warming

Was the sixth Spice Girl, Feminist Spice, because “Girl Power”

Very much pro-LGBT rights and same-sex marriage

Believes that the legalization of marijuana is up to each individual state

Supported the Affordable Care Act, but has footnotes to add

Still struggling under the weight of the email server debacle and the Benghazi scrutiny that the media and her opponents continue to push

Bernie “The Bern” Sanders

 Photo via MotherJones.com

Photo via MotherJones.com

Vermont Senator, Civil Rights Movement activist, and the fifth member of the Beatles when using “crowd magnetism” as a unit of measurement

Fervent supporter of the middle class, claims America lives under a “rigged economy,” and introduced legislation to increase the minimum mage to $15 an hour by 2020—just in time for Kanye to grab the mic

Pro-choice

Supports repealing tax reductions that exist to benefit hedge funds and corporations, and introduce taxes on capital gains and the “one percent”

Voted against the Keystone Pipeline bill and is a champion for climate change

Supports the Iran Deal

Critical of government domestic surveillance

Looking to suck the air out of the student loan bubble like a ‘90s kid trying to hide a Double Bubble catastrophe in the back of the class

Calling for tuition-free public universities

A moderate in terms of gun control

Clearly wants same-sex weddings to “Feel the Bern” on the dance floor, so he supports LGBT rights

Believes a path to citizenship should be created for new immigrants